Thought everyone might get a kick out of these. A Liberals Seasons Greeting

Mark King's PC Season's Greetings to all

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Time for a little humor - From Diane

ENJOY!!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But, how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's MY fault.

* * *

Younger Generations' Toughest Decision

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions.

We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm", "Technical Invalid Care Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted

Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multi-tasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitating affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal.

You must ask yourself:

"How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?"

"How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?"

"How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out how to

bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's Story."

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently only 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees.

Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the I Love You virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?

First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.'

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?

No.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL users alone will take years to absorb.

We look forward to your response.

Thank you.

* * *

Here are some Jokes from Amy...

-Rehab is for quitters-

-Give me ambiguity... or give me something else.-

-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?-

-Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician-

-I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

-Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot-

 

Bill

- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.-

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?-

-Then: A chicken in every pot... Now: A dope smoking chicken-

 

For Ted Kennedy

-I'm not as think as you drunk I am-

-Take me drunk, I'm home again-

-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.-

-Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder-

 

For Hillary

-All men are idiots, and I married their King-

-Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.-

-How can I miss you if you won't go away?-

 

JOKES

 

Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?

A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

 

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?

A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

 

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?

A: When Hillary is out of town.

 

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?

A:"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

 

Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?

A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?

A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?

A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?

A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.

Amy

* * *

May 6. 2002

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting Europe, he is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims. "I know the answer Al! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!!"

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

From Forkhorn, sent in by Peter

* * *

Humor from Drew Carey

Carville Fumes at White House Correspondents Dinner Joke

Top Clinton strategist and CNN "Crossfire" cohost James Carville appeared visibly angry Saturday night when comedian Drew Carey entertained the crowd at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner by poking fun at the Democrats' 2000 presidential election loss.

Comparing disgruntled Democrats to Arabs who remain unconvinced that Osama bin Laden was responsible for the 9-11 attacks, Carey told the crowd:

"You know, those Arabs out there, they're not gonna believe anything you do. They don't believe the other tapes we got of Osama bin Laden. They all say it's fake."

Then Carey added, "Isn't that annoying? You get these tapes, here's Osama and they go, 'No, you faked it. The United States faked it.' It's like trying to convince the Democrats they really lost the election."

As the crowd roared, C-SPAN cameras zeroed in on Washington power couple James Carville and Mary Matalin. While Matalin threw her head back in hearty laughter, a scowling Carville looked steamed and finally erupted with a verbal outburst that C-SPAN microphones did not pick up.

Carey seemed to take notice of Carville's reaction and began to rub it in:

"He won. They lost. That's what happened. There was no theft or rigging or none of that crap. He won! You lost!"

Sent in by Brad

* * *

Clocks

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter (founder of the Roman Catholic Church and Children's Daycare Center) at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never
told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sent in by Forkhorn via Peter Tramm

* * *

Sent in by Tom

President Lyndon Baines Johnson had a propensity for saying the wrong thing rather frequently. It was a fact that LBJ would, personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one such time, he is said to have called TBS (The Basic School) at Marine Corps Base, Quantico, VA and the conversation went like this:
TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I help you?
LBJ: This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send out two lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters.
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Is that all?
LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking.
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking lieutenants, dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is there anything else?
LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old time democrat and Texan) Yeah, don't send any damn Mexicans!
TBS: No sir, Mr. President, no damn Mexicans. Will there be anything else?
LBJ: No, that's all.

Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine lieutenants showed up at the White House, resplendent in their dress uniforms. They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs. Johnson and introduced themselves as being there as escorts for her daughters.

She acknowledged their presence but said, "But you're both black. There must be some mistake!"
One lieutenant replied: "I don't believe that's possible, Ma'am. Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes."

* * *

1) A homeless man asked a man on the street for $2.

"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the homeless man replies, "No, I don't
drink."

The man took in the homeless man's tattered clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
Again the homeless man replies, "No, I don't gamble."

Intrigued, the man took another track. "Will you make bet at the golf course?" And once again the homeless man replies "No, I don't play golf."
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?

2) Survivor - Texas Style

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response,Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.

From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a homeless manper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Ron Wilson

* * *

Humor break: Democrats protest mine rescue

*****NEWS FLASH*****

Washington, D.C.

A Senate Committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein have announced that the rescue of the trapped Pennsylvania coal miners has been cancelled, and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine. The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, and without providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.

6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to say "Thank God!" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, thereby violating the separation of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government-supported rescue mentioned praying.

4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time for photo ops and speech making at the site.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.

1. No one credited Al Gore with the invention of mine rescues.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner," the Committee stated.

* * *

JUST A FEW TERMS THAT COME TO MIND. I'VE BEEN WAITING TWO YEARS FOR YOU TO COME UP WITH "DASCHLED", BUT YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY WITH THE LARGER PICTURE, SO I WILL HELP OUT HERE.

DASCHLED- AS IN "DEMOCRAT HOPES FOR MAINTAINING SENATE CONTROL HAVE BEEN DASCHLED.

POLITICAL 12 STEP PROGRAM PLEDGE; "MY NAME IS BLANK AND I AM A DEMOCRAT, I HAVE BEEN SOBER SINCE CARTER/CLINTON/CUOMO.

DUMBELL APPEASE PRIZE

BEATIFIC IMBECILE-SEE JIMMY CARTER

MEGA DILDOS- POLITICALLY CORRECT PHONE GREETING TO ALL THREE (THAT MANY?) LIBERAL TALKSHOW HOSTS.

FROM
ROGER (RECOVERING DEMOCRAT)

* * *

Subject: DO YOU FEEL SMART YET

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
"-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked todeath by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. " -A congressional candidate in Texas.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."-Al Gore, Vice President.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."- Dan Quayl

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."-George Bush, US President.

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"-Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President.

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."- Al Gore, VP

From David

* * *

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Jim

* * *

Subject: Newspaper Readership

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feministic atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

 

* * *

Jesus transportation of choice is a Suv in his day :

Walking = The green equivalent of standing still

The horse drawn cart = mass transit

The Camel = Pickup Truck

Jesus' choice - The Donkey! = Four wheel drive All terrain capable of carrying two
But usually operated by one. This conveyance consumed fuel at an alarming rate and polluted
both the land and the atmosphere ( Methane gas!)

Chuck / Nov 27 '02

* * *

THE COW THEORY OF GOVERNMENT (REVISED)

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows

DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you
pick some fat cow from Arkansas

From forkhorn

* * *

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two
different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to theAmerican people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not
reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.


RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chicken crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will becomegay too. I say we boycott all chickens 'til we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its
right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:> "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QUAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . ... We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign? Keep going...... Almost there.....

Answer: A FUNERAL HOME - And just who said morticians have no sense of humor?
(Sent in by Peter.)

"According to the New York Times, a group of liberal venture capitalists are getting set to start their own liberal radio network to counter conservative radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh. They feel the liberal viewpoint is not being heard - except on TV, in the movies, by comedians, on the radio . . . Other than that, the message isn't getting out." - Jay Leno

From: DONALD E JEUNE

Subject: WELCOME JESSE - Date: Sat, Mar 01 01:25 AM

If life were meant to be taken seriously we would not have been given the ability to laugh.

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" Exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

From: JOHANNA - Sent to us by PETER TRAMM

CALIFORNIA STATE BUDGET INFORMATION

The Davis Administration announced today, amid concerns of the State's deepening budget crisis, that two major state agencies will be combined to reduce administrative costs. Effective February 1st, 2003, the California Highway Patrol and the California Department of Fish & Game will be merged to form the new California Department of Fish & CHiPs.

* * *

Joke from BIG DAVE, a la PETER TRAMM

George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Janet Reno, and Bo Derek were all traveling together by train in the same private car. The ride was rather uncomfortable, as you can imagine. As they were going along, the train entered a long tunnel and the car was plunged into darkness. In the darkness was heard a loud SLAP!!

Bill Clinton thought, 'Oh my God! Dubya touched Bo Derek and she thought it was me and slapped me!'

Bo Derek thought, 'Oh my goodness! Bill Clinton touched Janet Reno thinking it was me, and she slapped
him!'

Janet Reno thought, 'Oh my stars! Bill Clinton touched Bo Derek and she slapped him!'

George W. Bush thought, 'Cool! I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap him again!!'

* * *

From: DOUG

Ambulances:
Sen Daschle stops them.......
Sen Clinton nationalizes them
Sen Byrd needs them
Sen Kennedy causes them
Sen Edwards chases them
Sen Trist works until they arrive

* * *

What --a Media Bias?

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They are admiring the sights when all of a sudden the Pope's zucchetto blows off his head and out on to the water.
Secret Service start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait, I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story with front page photos of the event. The banner headline is: "BUSH CAN'T SWIM".

Federalist
Jay Leno.... Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were both captured today. I guess this is true, it was in the New York Times. .... How many watched that stupid "Hitler" movie last night on CBS? The guy playing Hitler was so good that during the broadcast French TV viewers actually surrendered. .... Congrats to a New York horse -- Funny Cide has won two legs of the Triple Crown. He won the Preakness this weekend down in Baltimore. A New York bred horse, now has won the second jewel. He's a gelding; the gelding procedure was done on him to calm him down. Today Hillary Clinton said, "You can do that?" .... We had a lunar eclipse last night. Total darkness for like an hour. Here in California people just assumed it was another Gray Davis energy screw-up. .... According to a CBS news poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates.

David Letterman.... Top Most Common Questions Asked Of The White House Switchboard Operator: "You guys find Saddam yet?"; "Can I get some of them little square hamburgers delivered?"; "Hey, it's the President. I lost my wallet again. Can you tell the guy to let me in?"; "You guys find Saddam yet?"; "How 'bout Osama -- found him yet?"; "I work next door. Can you guys turn down the Lynyrd Skynyrd?"; "It's Al Gore -- has anyone called for me?"; "Do you accept unsolicited 'West Wing' scripts?"; "Aren't you too busy to answer your own phone, Mr. President?"; "This is the President -- any idea how I'd get a hold of Cheney?"

Argus Hamilton.... Colin Powell met with Crown Prince Abdullah in Riyadh and toured Saudi Arabia last week. He wasn't impressed by their crackdown on al-Qa'ida. On the motorcade in from the airport, he saw three billboards advertising Osama bin Laden Live at the Dunes. .... The Pentagon admitted Monday al-Qa'ida prisoners are being subjected to eight straight hours of the theme song from Barney. Talk about making more bin Ladens. The exact same experience has driven more than one parent to want to blow something up. .... Democrats held a presidential debate in Iowa in front of a union crowd. It was quite a show. The candidates spent ninety minutes discussing ways to prevent corporations from making profits so we can get this economy moving again.

Subject: FW: the pond

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse." The second barber turned to Bush and said,"How about you?" Bush replied,"Go ahead, Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

This would be a lot funnier if it were not so true...

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the Diet Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to lo! ok for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I sent it to.

This is a great one for all the politicians who make our lives hell.
Arlene
Subject: Heaven or Hell

Every politician should read this! While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In thedistance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

CALIFORNIA - From Suzanne

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's California the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world:

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is."Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second -- why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third -- whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second -- why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third -- whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House;
fourth -- why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth -- what happened to Billy?"

From Jorge Castillo: Democrat Operative Response Committee (DORK) - unknown

NOTE: SECRET DOCUMENT

MEMO RE: We must counter-act Bush manliness image

Dear Fellow Democrat:

Many of our members have had angst about the President's showy landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln. Mainstream Americans (such as the Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, and Janeane Garofalo) overwhelmingly agree with us that this was wrong, and just totally inappropriate. However, a hundred million Americans for some reason thought this was cool.

Fear not. Your Democratic Operative Response Committee Soldiers (DORKS) have come up with ways to fight fire with fire. It seems our Presidential candidates-all except Carol Mosely Braun-are viewed as effeminate and wimpy. Consultants tell us we need to be a little more manly (yipes, just using the word is challenging!).

DORK suggests doing the following to be seen as more manly:

1) Go to the Rainforest exhibit at the National Zoo. Make manly poses in front of the fauna. Do a press release on how you braved wild animals and unfriendly natives to save the Rainforest. (IMPT NOTE: Banana Republic has some real stylish jungle gear on sale.)

2) As Ms. Pelosi said, "We could have torn down that Saddam Hussein statue much cheaper." Let's show them! Make a paper mache` Saddam Hussein statue. Be sure it's sprayed with metallic paint. Put it in a town square and knock it down with a sledge hammer. People will be amazed, not just with your manly strength, but that they've never noticed the statue before. (Reminder: Don't forget to recycle when you're finished!)

3) Over the May break, host a Super Bowl Party! (NOTE: None of the DORKS knew exactly what this is, but it seems like Republicans have one at least once a year.) It's apparently very manly.

4) Go to a construction site, and - well, we're not sure what people do there, but there are lots of manly men. Use terms like jack hammer, I-beam, rod buster and plumb line, and maybe they'll let you pose with them wearing a hard hat.

5) If your campaign is really strapped for cash, the DCCC has arranged to have some life-size, cut-out, action photos in our main lobby. You can stand by Cowboy Bob, Oil Rig Ralph, or Firefighter Frank. They look great and truly give you that man among men image.

The DORK members (the DORKS) know all this is radical. So, afterwards, in order to get back in touch with your inner self, we will be hosting a hug-in as an NPR fund raiser. So, put on your favorite white turtle neck, horn-rimmed glasses and earth shoes and come on over! French wine and cheese will be served.

DORK Feel Good About Us Memo #17

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