The
Ten Commandments - RushOnline.com
In
today's political climate, the formulation of law does not follow
a heavenly model. To illustrate how low we've sunk, here's how how
the Ten Commandments might have been developed if the process were
governed by current political rules.
Chief
heavenly pollster informs God of alarming findings: His flock is hungry
for moral guidance. God floats a trial balloon, leaking word to key
town criers that he is formulating a comprehensive policy statement
on proscribed human behavior to be called "The Ten Commandments."
Opponents
are sharply critical of the plan, asking, "Do you want the same
guy who runs the weather to tell you how to live your life?"
Slipping
in the polls, the Deity taps David Gergen, formerly associated with
the Party of Darkness, as "Counsel to the Creator." Gergen
sees "absolutely no problem" with his previous service under
Satan.
"All
The Almighty's Men," a scathing insider view of celestial politics
is released, triggering a nosedive in the Lord's approval rating.
National
Big Heavy Stones Association demands recision of "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Murder" prohibition, claiming it infringes on the
protected Right to Bear Arms and noting that "Rocks Don't Smote
People, People Smote People."
God
appoints Moses, influential human being person, as his Morality Spin
Doctor. They brainstorm strategy: "What if we chiseled the thing
on a tablet or something, and you come down from a mountain holding
it up above your head looking like Charlton Heston. Would that not
be an awesome Photo Op, or what?"
Pharaoh
Cuomo tries to horn into the spotlight, declaring, "The Ten Commandments
do not go far enough." He agonizes publicly over a possible run
at divinity himself, deciding in the end that "the Pharaohship
is where I belong now."
Moses
presents the Ten Commandments (now renamed by Gergen "The Guaranteed
Pathway to The Rapture Security Act") as planned in a dramatic
ceremony at the Pearly Gates, featuring a hot "Rock n Roll Heaven"
Band.
Tsenturion
Tsongas ridicules the plan, quipping, "I'm not Santa Claus -
I can't promise you eternal life if you follow ten rules." Tsongas
suggests a $1.00 per grain Sand Tax to pay for the sins of the people.
He
is stoned.
The
People oppose the plan upon learning of its strict rules, including
a uniform penalty for non-compliance: roasting in the white-hot flames
of hell for eternity. The Lord backpedals, saying, "I have never
said that all of the Commandments are written in stone. All I want
is righteousness as a whole. If we can approve "No Cussing"
this year, we'll phase in the others over a ten-year period.
"Adulterers
of the Euphrates" puts considerable pressure on the King of Kings
through their powerful lobbying group. God agrees to an amendment
stating, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Unless Thou Art Bigtime
Sorry."
One
week before the vote, God gets tough, saying to Abraham: "Unless
you vote for the package as proposed, I will take your first-born
son." Abraham responds, "Okay, but you've got to come down
to Mesopotamia and stand next to me on the podium at the Shepherd's
of Distinction luncheon."
A
formal vote is held up in Congress, when greedy representatives saddle
the bill with the most useless make-work pork barrel project in history
-- The Pyramids.
Centurion
Helms filibusters over failure to add Eleventh Commandment forbidding
man to lie down with man.
God
goes directly to the people in a "Fireside Chat" -- his
head appears in their fireplaces, surrounded by flames. Ratings are
tremendous.
|Gergen
advises the Lord, "You are coming across as too High and Mighty."
The Lord snaps back at Gergen "I am high and mighty." You
need to loosen up your image. Perhaps you can take up a musical instrument.
See
if Gabriel can teach you how to use that horn.
Ponchus
Perot appears on the "King Larry" show to debate. He is
humiliated, causing an upsurge in support for the Ten Commandments,
but not enough to win the votes.
After
a flurry of amendments and broad changes in the package as originally
proposed, the bill is passed. The Lord signs the bill into law in
a ceremony in the Cloud Garden. As passed, the law contains no commandments,
but authorizes new aqueduct projects in the home districts of five
key Centurions.
-
By Jim Rosenberg
* * *
Here
are the Ten Commandments -----
ULTIMATE TOP TEN
10.
DON'T BE JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF.
9.
QUIT SAYING THINGS THAT ARE NOT TRUE.
8.
DON'T TAKE WHAT'S NOT YOURS.
7.
SAVE SEX FOR MARRIAGE.
6.
MURDER IS NOT AN OPTION. .
5.
HONOR YOUR PARENTS.
4.
KEEP THE LORD'S DAY HOLY.
3.
TREAT GOD'S NAME WITH RESPECT.
2.
DON'T WORSHIP ANYTHING BUT GOD.
1.
NOTHING COMES BEFORE GOD.
See
Exodus 20.
Published by Argus Communicaions, Allen ,Tx.
